The Struggle to Feel Like a Good Mom

As a child from foster care and homes that weren’t all positive, to say the least, I always knew what type of parent I didn’t want to be. I didn’t want to replicate the actions of those homes or my biological parents. When I was in high school, one of my biggest desires was always to be a mom but not just any mom, a good mom, a better mom.

I was so blessed to be welcomed into my husband’s family that loved me and cared for me. I was always very reserved about trusting people and letting them “fully in.” It came as a shock how easy it was to let these people into my heart and I felt so blessed. After being together for 7 years my mother-in-law became my mother in a way. We did spa days together, lunch outings with her daughter, and spent a ton of time together. Now of course this isn’t to say we didn’t have our typical family moments, but overall I couldn’t believe how lucky I had become.

The relationship dynamic changed when our son, her first grandchild, was born and a divide was created I still haven’t figured out how to mend. I became the head of my house with my husband and son and she was still a part of our family but an extension. No longer did I ensure her will was the primary one. Tensions began to rise and commenting on how I decided to parent my child began almost immediately. Though her son and I coparent and choose parenting styles and techniques together somehow it was all said to be me. I started by trying to ignore it, ignore her even. Our relationship drifted apart. I intentionally tried not to spend time with her or see her. Holidays were the inevitable time together of course though. One holiday became a very difficult one because she spoke again to a family member in another room regarding “my parenting techniques” and finally my husband went to her and said our child, our choice. I acted as though I heard nothing until the end when I stopped and suggested an adult sit down where we talk through the emotions and things that were going on. She wasn’t having it and suggested I get over it. So more avoiding her and frustration led to resolve the following holiday when my husband and her spoke and she apologized. Fresh start right? Wrong. I tried to move on and act like I wasn’t hurt anymore, I mean she generally apologized just for upsetting us, but I couldn’t. After some thorough internal evaluations and soul searching I realized what was wrong. I let this woman be my mother. She supported me through undergraduate, marrying her son, and graduate school. I adored her father as my own grandfather and felt like I had an unconditional love surrounding me. I felt as though she showed me what a positive mother was like and was so encouraging to me. So when our son was born and she repeatedly made negative remarks about “my parenting” it hit me to my core. I felt like she was one of the few people who would encourage me as a mother, help me, and uplift me...I felt heartbroken. And now though we have had the apology and are trying to move forward I have created a boundary protecting my heart (which includes our son) from her. I don’t know how to move us forward honestly because I haven’t been able to fix the immense amount of hurt she caused me either, the self-doubt that is now here, and the lack of confidence in my abilities to be a good mom. I have told her moreover these emotions and hurt and been told the same thing again...you just get over it, you move on. I don't know if being told that is part of what hinders me as I feel right in my emotions and very hurt but either way right now I feel very stuck, wanting change, wanting my relationship back, but also refusing to accept my boundaries to be crossed, to act as though those 7 months were okay, and to be treated in such a hurtful way again. So I write this hoping that before you consider commenting on another person’s mothering or parenting skills consider the damage it could do and whether or not the comments are necessary or even worth it. We are all moms truly trying to do our best. Uplift each other and see how you both soar together rather than one crumble.