The Truth Will Set You Free...

Today I am writing a very personal blog that is long overdue but has come to fruition this week due to some local contact. I found out that some people are using this public blog, which is a window into our lives, as a way to act as though they know and have much more connections to us. I hope those that truly know us know what is real and what is not. I contemplated ending my blogs because I was upset about this but realized I could not let them take away my writing, my outlet, my passion that has been so helpful for me these many months. So here goes everything...the very truth of my personal experience….

I lied. I lied for many years to the public eye. I told them I had a perfect family and everything was wonderful. I lied when I was young about things that occurred in the house that I lived in because I was afraid of making them worse. So here I am opening up...telling the truth, knowing it will impact my life most likely but that I can’t keep living in that lie.

Disclaimer: For the protection of those that I love, care for, and miss I will not be using names! These people have done no harm to me and do not deserve to have their names put out publicly (though even if I shared their names all that would be shared about them would be a lot of love).

Now I admit to lying to those in my church and community for many years about my “new amazing life” but I even let the general public believe a lie from 2011 to now when I decided to participate in a news broadcast. I told the truth to the people but said I wasn’t ready to confront “those demons” at the time and so we ended the broadcast with a lie as well, “I gained a new last name, positive attitude, and caring family.” So to all of you reading this that have been pulled into those lies I apologize. I want you to know I lied to you all because I was afraid to tell the truth, I was afraid to lose the good people in my life, and afraid of the outcome in the end. None of this makes lying okay I just hope you understand when I am done here why I did.

When I was young I was adopted with my biological brother into a single mother home who already had an older child she had previously adopted. I can’t tell you what kind of child I was. Obviously not perfect, but in the home I was raised in I would say I was quite tame compared to most. We had great moments as a family such as family trips and it is true I never could have wanted for any toys, books, clothes, etc. but that stuff and money didn’t create a loving mother-daughter relationship. Beyond this perfect family facade was physical, emotional, mental abuse, and a lot of judgment. Now I know some people believe that hitting children is okay and even suggest schools return to paddlings, I however, am not one of those people! I constantly walked on eggshells in that home attempting to avoid that hand. After being taken away for potential child abuse and returned (I told the judge she didn’t do it...why? Because I was afraid of ending up in a worse home in foster care), I will admit physical abuse became more rare. Instead she stuck to verbal, mental, emotional weaponry that left no external marks but really were difficult for me growing up.

I spent most of my childhood afraid of when she would get home from work, not sure what mood she would be in or whether or not the chores I did were done well enough. I became very emotionally conflicted. I loved this woman, she rescued me from my biological parents, and she seemed to love me but sometimes she would change...she would beat me, scream at me, and demean me...but to the public she would boast about all that her children did. Unfortunately this didn’t feel like she was proud of me but instead boasting about what she had achieved as a mother.

All of these actions caused me to grow up emotionally a wreck! I never felt as though I could be open with her like most girls were with their moms. I always felt judged, like I was lacking, and like no matter what I would never compare to her oldest son (again whom I adored).

When I graduated high school I left the town and I thought things would change. But they didn’t. Emotional and mental abuse can occur over the phone...over and over again. When I started my adult life she always made it clear that she didn’t approve of what I was doing (unless of course it made the papers...she shared all of that happily as her accomplishments with others). Long story short she made me feel as though receiving the love and support from my husband and his family was wrong for me to accept. Every time my husband drove us down to visit (I am legally blind so I can’t drive down there...and no one ever drove up to me) she would have a list of chores for us to do. Things she swore no one else was doing for her and anytime I refused to do something, even lightly like we don’t have time, I was scolded and demeaned for not being willing to do enough for her.

I started to feel like everything was meant to be one sided as the expectation was for us to always drive to them and though I was in the same house for many years no one came to me. When I decided not to try and work class schedules and work schedules to get down there I was again treated poorly and yelled at on the phone for choosing my husband’s family over my own.

Most phone conversations ended in me getting off the phone, crying my eyes out, and feeling like I wasn’t good enough for anything or just shattering the little bit of self-confidence I had finally built up. I gained self-confidence the more I spoke about child abuse, the more I learned about mental health, and the more I was away from that home. As my self-confidence grew I learned that setting boundaries and standing up for myself was important with her and the only way to keep her in my life. But every time I tried she tore me down again: I was being cocky, rude, unappreciative, or even I was just upset because of things that had nothing to do with her and was taking it out on her. So, no matter what I was wrong and owed her an apology.

So I was very conflicted for a while. I owed her my life. How do you decide when the bad outweighs the good? How do you decide to chance losing the ones you love the most because you have to let go of the one who hurts you the most? Or should you let those negatively impacting you remain in your life because you want to keep the good. I was so torn, hurt, depressed, and really and truly didn’t know what to do.

Finally I knew that with all of these attempts failing I was going to have to separate myself from her. I couldn’t be hurt repeatedly as an adult. But can I really do this? When? I couldn’t let her keep hurting me this way and my children to see, I didn’t want them to grow up like I did thinking this type of a relationship was acceptable. So, maybe I won’t have to disconnect from her. I have time before children, she may change. No such luck. Our relationship was still constant turmoil and nothing like a mother-daughter relationship should be like. I found out I was pregnant and made a last ditch effort one last time to see if she could see reason with the me having self-confidence, attempting to be my own person, etc. Again a phone call ended in me crying and feeling worse about myself. So, I decided I had to stick to what I had said. I wasn’t going to allow that negativity to affect my pregnancy or my child.

So when we knew we were pregnant I wrote a letter to her, my grandma, and adoptive brother. I explained everything, with no expectations of a response or acceptance. So communication with everyone has been gone. I miss some of them so very much and hope that one day we are able to reconnect but right now I just need to be able to separate from all that she has done to me.

Because I now still feel unworthy of love, like I can never excel enough, I am not proud of what I have done for myself and struggle with feeling as though I am selfish for doing anything for myself to begin with. I struggle with depression, self-esteem, and accepting my body image. I am working on these things now which is why I am writing this blog and attempting to heal and create a better self. I hope by writing the truth I am able to let go and move forward more. I honestly have forgiven her for her previous actions but currently know that I can’t reconnect with her as I don’t feel as though the behaviors, actions, or words would change and it would send me spiraling again back to where I am trying so hard to move from.

This blog came about again because people contacted me about this personal matter. Some were told different things and I just wanted to clear everything up about where I am at in life now...the truth. I chose this path all my own. I know that at times I will continue to struggle with it. All I ever wanted in life was to be apart of a loving family. And though I admit every family has their dysfunctions and baggage please know any type of abuse is not standard in a family and should not be learned as acceptable. I always thought it was. Why? Because I was raised in a home that was obviously better than being locked in a closet in my biological home.

Here is an analogy for you I thought of earlier that has really pushed me into a new logic: Just because one is transitioned from a closed fist abusive home to a open hand abusive home doesn’t make it acceptable. It may be “better” but is it really?! And once you accept that open handed home of abuse does it mean that it is all you deserve? Do you not deserve the opportunity for unconditional love and open arms? This analogy has led me to realize that I am worthy of the unconditional love my husband gives me, the support and care he and his family share with me, and I am not selfish to enjoy it because everyone deserves this love!

My goal isn’t to “air dirty laundry” as some would say here but to express my personal need for this continued transition and support from loved ones.

So I am nearly 38 weeks pregnant, married to an amazing husband (whom I have been with for 7 years now), dealing with depression and body dysmorphia, leading a Catholic faith filled life, and attempting to be a better person every day! We are also attempting to start our family in the most positive and open light possible. Thank you to those who support me, love me, and help me to grow teaching me everyday that I am able to be more than just my past.