Love, Commitment, & Marriage

Today I am just feeling super blessed to be married to the man I have but that isn't what this post is all about I promise... A few readers suggested that I write about love, commitment, and marriage! (So I am combining the three topics here) Let's do this! LOVE: There are so many different definitions of love out there that refer to either a family, friend, or romantic partner kind of love. Some define love in a "mushy romantic" way (love is when I can't stop smiling because I am thinking about her/him) and and others define it a little more cynically (love is nature's way of tricking people into reproducing). No matter the route you want to take most define love as an intense feeling of attraction, affection, and attachment to another.

Many say life is like a box of chocolates but one of my favorite references I read was that LOVE is like a Rainbow Loom (you know the crazy fad rubber bracelets that you make on the special loom). If you work at it a little bit each day, you will have something magical and beautiful before long. This is important because it will then outweigh the frustration you feel when maybe some of those bands break as you are working but you keep at it. But if you don't work on it each day and you keep it in the box, the loom and bands are still there but all you have are dreams and hopes in your head of how it could be something if you made it. I love thinking about the part of the bands breaking because this is the little spats or disagreements you have with your significant other, the low days you have, and basically anything that get's in the way of the love you have for each other.

Another important thought for couples to know is what we call the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship. When you are dating someone and all seems to be great but then you near the 9-14 month window couples are more likely to get in their first "bigger" fight. You two will then have to work together to figure out what are good limits for each of you. So for example my husband and I got in our first argument probably after dating for about 1.5 years (yes I know this is later...sometimes it is!) the problem was we were so happy all the time neither one of us were prepared for that argument BUT later we worked out how we should do things like he needs to get away from the situation to think but I was always afraid of abandonment as a child and so when he left I thought he wasn't coming back. Now he stays in our house but goes to a different room, I know he isn't leaving but he gets his space. Then we return to each other and talk about everything. So, speaking about working through things let's talk about COMMITMENT! Commitment: What is commitment? My favorite definitions of commitment is, "A dedication to something" or "A promise to do something" Why do I love these? Because they are so beautiful when thinking about a relationship. You are dedicated to your partner...you put your work into it and so do they and that makes a strong working relationship! Now the reason I like the second definition so much is because we often make promises to love one another, to care for, and to be there for each other in a relationship. Sometimes this is verbally said or even shown by a promise gift (necklace, ring, etc.). The key to making a commitment to another person is to NOT just jump in.

Think about yourself, that person, and the two of you as a couple. I say this because no one should make a promise or commitment to another person (or anything for that matter) without true thought going into it about things like: Will I be able to do what I need for the relationship, Is this what I/they want, and even things like do we have the same goals so when I make this commitment I won't be disappointed that I can't do somethings I wanted to (and if you don't have the same goals are you willing to give up some of yours?). When thinking about a commitment there are a LOT of questions one should ask themselves and their partner but no matter what if you communicate and are open about your feelings, thoughts, and dreams you will have a stronger relationship with your partner! Marriage: Okay let's talk about marriage! What is marriage? Marriage is the joining of two people in a bond that technically is meant to last until death. The "till death do us part" is a bit complicated to me for a couple reasons. 1) I do not believe in divorce for myself but I also know that I didn't marry someone I wasn't willing to spend the rest of my life with. Divorce is not a preference to most people but sometimes it ends up being the best answer for a couple. If couples therapy isn't working or one spouse is violent towards the other it stands to make sense why a divorce becomes an obvious solution. 2) The second reason I don't like "till death do us part" is that I was raised y my grandmother who taught me that when you are married you are married for life...so when her husband passed away she never remarried because she was in love with him and still is in love with him to this day! Now I know this isn't everyone's cup of tea but I agree with my grandma and so when my husband and I were married we changed that last verse of our vows from "till death do us part" to "Forever and Always" which I also engraved into his wedding band. Okay I have something to admit......I have seriously had to fix some of my biases that I originally had prior to getting married and I can happily tell you I don't feel like I have them anymore (they definitely don't pop up as automatic thoughts like they used to). Now I am sure you are wondering WHAT BIASES? I have seen so many marriages and relationships end so badly and usually they were the ones that the couple met, engaged, and got married all within a year. So, usually when I would hear someone was getting married that was a friend or family member that was engaged less than a year I thought it was doomed. However, that is not the case!! and I know so please don't message me about how "wrong" I am! It was a past belief that originally had quite a bit of data supporting it BUT... Now I focus less on the time of the relationship but the love and commitment that is shared between the couple. It is so important to have love, commitment, and communication in a marriage that I believe the time is less important! When you get married you are agreeing to partake in all the good things (like making meals for you) that your partner does as well as the really irritating things (like doing laundry but making piles instead of putting it away... :)) Marriage is about so many things compromise, dedication, compassion, etc. Yet, what I (and many before me) believe makes a marriage are Commitment, Communication, and LOVE! :) Well that is all for tonight readers! Don't forget to keep sending me those messages if there is a specific topic you want me to write about...I will write about it all! :)